Almost seven months ago, my daughter, Erica died suddenly and unexpectedly. Since then, it has been a challenge for me to return to many of the practices that were part of my core routine. Meditations made me feel ill. Affirmations seemed pointless. I couldn’t practice yoga without soaking myself in tears.
Through the summer, I took refuge in the garden. Connecting with nature gave me tiny feelings of peace. Starting to create a Tea & Bee Garden in memory of Erica, who was obsessed with tea and had worked at an apiary, gave me a focus for my days.
I’ve reached out to therapists. I’ve listened to audiobooks on grief (I can’t focus enough to read yet). I’ve spent lots of time with the dogs. When no other movement practices seemed right, I walked.
When Erica died, I immediately knew that the journey of grief would be a lifelong journey for my husband and me. Some losses you never get over. This is a loss we never get over. I found a journal by Megan Devine titled, How To Carry What Can’t Be Fixed. This sums up my aim as I navigate our grief journey.
Yet, as I enter this new autumn season, I am noticing slow shifts. Though I can’t return to the way I used to meditate, I am finding new ways to meditate. The affirmations that used to seem meaningful now seem a little shallow. But, over time, I have discovered new affirmations that I can connect with. And slowly, I am returning to my yoga and movement practices that once brought me joy.
I am excited to begin teaching classes once again in October. We will all go through tough times, tragedies, and grief in our lives. Moving forward, it is my hope that with my new understanding, I’ll be better able to share support with all those who come to my classes through life’s ups and downs, and through their unique journeys.
Photo by Erica Marie