I am old enough to remember when Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book, Simple Abundance, was released. My young self took the book to the park to browse while my small children played. One of my main takeaways from the book was thoughts on keeping a gratitude journal.
She suggested that the reader have a beautiful journal and write down five things they were thankful for each day at the end of the day. These things didn’t need to be big, luxurious wins. Most often, they were the simple things in life. On a rough day, the list could include the day being over or the waiting bed.
This began my gratitude practice. Over the decades, I have regularly made a gratitude practice part of my life. I haven’t done it every day or in the same way all the time. But I have cultivated a deep sense of gratitude over the years. I had believed that this simple practice had helped me live a more joyful life despite ups and downs.
When our daughter, Erica, died earlier this year, I found that this was just one area of my old beliefs being challenged. I had to put off my regular gratitude practice in the first weeks after her death. Emotions were too raw. Yet, even in my deepest anguish, my mind was acknowledging things I still had to be grateful for.
I have such deep gratitude for the amazing human beings who choose to work in the ICU. They go to work every day knowing they will likely bear witness to someone’s worst day. And they do it with grace and kindness.
One day, I took my old journal and set out to write 101 things I was grateful for in my darkest days. I confess I haven’t finished the list, but perhaps I should return to it soon. Below is a sampling of the things I am grateful for.
-good weather for the long drive to be with Erica
-being able to stay home during this time
-a cozy home
-a neighbour who I could count on in a moment’s notice to watch our dog, Tucker
-the distraction Erica’s dog, Hex gives me now that she lives with us
Over the summer, I was slowly able to return to a regular gratitude practice. I’ve always believed it is one of the best self-care practices. It’s simple, easy, quick, free, and accessible. Though it doesn’t fix Erica’s passing away, it is a tiny tool that does offer me support through this challenging time.
This year, our first Thanksgiving without Erica was quiet. No turkey, no get-togethers, no pumpkin pie-just a slow weekend with nowhere we had to go and nothing we had to do. It was just what I needed it to be. It was time for peace, walks with the dogs, feeling my emotions, and reflection.
Now, as we prepare for our first Christmas without Erica I am leaning into all the self-care tools in my toolbox. Some I will choose, others I’m not yet ready for. But, practicing gratitude is one tool I can always rely on, even on my hardest days.
*photo credit Erica Leduc